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I don't know. [02 Nov 2007|06:16pm] [ mood | sad ] So lately I've been feeling really, out of place you could say? One of my friends, who I have been friends with forever, has been acting really strange. I don't know what it is and I don't know what is going on. Everything was fine. We talked everyday and hung out pretty much everyday. And no, it's not because "We have been hanging out too much," because she is the type of friend who I could see everyday pretty much. So, I have no idea. She doesn't call me anymore, she doesn't come over randomly like she did and I don't know..It's really upsetting me even if she isn't doing it on purpose. It's getting to the point where my family is asking why we don't hang out. And you know what? I DON'T have an answer. Lately when I say something to her, she comes back with a sarcastic / bitchy remark and I just stand / sit there, and take it and pretend like nothing is wrong. Every time I try to bring it up, the subject gets changed..So I have no idea what to do. We talk, sometimes, we joke around, sometimes...But I guess I just miss her a lot lately and I don't know. I just need to ramble about it to something or someone. I hate talking about it at work because I don't want it to get back to her that I was talking shit, cos I'm not. If anyone is going to say something, it should be me, and I've been TRYING but it never seems to work. So...whatever. I'm just afraid that what happened when she was with her ex-boyfriend is going to happen again, and I don't want that. =/ ♥

Hm. [28 Oct 2007|05:05pm] [ mood | sleepy ] If you're looking at this on Mozilla, don't ask WHY in gods name my layout is crappy looking. It's not like that when you open it with Internet Explorer, but then again, my entries are NOT showing up. I don't exactly know why, but I have an idea. But, I do not know how to fix it. I was told, but I am still confused. It makes me really sad. So if anyone knows how the hell to fix it so it looks the same on Mozilla AND Explorer, please, let me know. Thank you. ♥

[24 Oct 2007|08:56pm] [ mood | crappy ] Not a lot has been going on. Big surprise, huh? One of my best friends has been acting really weird and has been leaving me in the dark for almost a week or more..Yeah, kinda feels weird. I got used to it before, I can get used to it again. I haven't said anything, everytime I try to, I get interupted with a different subject or get a bitchy remark..so why bother? I don't really know. I wanna be happy. That's basically all I've been wanting to be, is happy. Sure, my friends make me happy..but, whatever. I want to smile everyday again. I want to walk around with that smile on my face like I have before. I don't think I have in a long time. Maybe it's a phase..a phase that keeps repeating itself right? Haha. It kinda makes me laugh. I need to get out of this town. In April, hoping to go to Vegas. My mom and grandma are going, and yeah, I AM going, no doubt it. Nicole might come with me, it depends on her money situation. But from now on, I am saving my money for that trip. 5 days, 4 nights in Las Vegas? Can't beat it, I'm going. Haven't smoked a cigarette in almost a week so, I'm doing good. Hoping to stay that way and not go back to them. I'm really trying hard to stop and I've been doing good. I've been craving, everyday..But I've been doing things to keep my mind off of them and so I don't go buy a pack. I got paid today, it was really hard not to go up to the counter at work and ask for a pack of Marb Reds. I will admit, I miss them, a lot. Nicole is helping a lot though. She keeps reminding me that I don't need 'em and everything. Not to mention, I don't miss the smell, haha. But that's the smoking story. I found a new favorite thing to say, thanks to Austin. Granted, it's really weird for a girl to say, but he said it to me today and I said it outloud and I couldn't stop laughing. "Nibble on my nuts" I don't know WHY but it makes me laugh a lot. Don't make fun. Try saying it outloud in a weird voice, it gets amusing. Or maybe I am just retarded. Either way, it's funny. That about covers it. Goodnight. ♥

You. [17 Oct 2007|05:59pm] [ mood | drained ] You've changed. Changed so much that I don't even know you anymore. You don't get on to talk to me, like you used to. Us together, was that your only reason for being online? I dealt with your shit, so much that I'm proud of myself. I would have never done that with anyone, that should tell you something. I'd give you my life, you seem to not care. You might have gotten someone pregnant? What does that tell me? Do you still care about me, or did you ever? You cheated on me, was that the girl? I AM surprised I am still talking to you. But, you do STILL mean everything to me, no matter how fucking stupid you are. I keep trying to move on, it's not happening. I wish you would understand. I wish you would finally grow up. We went through hell together, it's gone. Everything, is gone, in a matter of days. WHAT exactly is that? I love you and I hate you more than anything. We were best friends. I miss everything we had. You make me sick. [ 5 ] ♥

[15 Oct 2007|12:23am] [ mood | sleepy ] Someone give me something to write about. ♥

Kelli [13 Oct 2007|05:03pm] [ mood | lonely ] Recently, we have hit a bad spot in our friendship, and it's completely weird if you ask me..Nothing like this has ever happened before since we were little shits and argued about every little thing we could possibly think of. I've done a lot of thinking in the last few days..and I wanted to apologize, again, for everything that EITHER of us have said / done. The last time I freaked out on you, I was wrong, and I see that. I know I should have asked you before I even thought about it automatically being me..but I tend to jump to conclusions and get paranoid sometimes. You know that. I know that..everyone knows that. I miss the conversations we used to have and I miss the hang outs we used to always have as well. I miss them nights we used to stay up and do absolutely nothing but take pictures and be completely retarded. I know really none of that can happen right now because of you being at MV and me being home..but I really do want our friendship back. I made mistakes, maybe a lot of them..but a 13 year friendship is not something I can let go that easy. I'm not telling you to forgive me, and I'm not telling you to forget the things that happened, but I am asking you to rethink about us being friend and being as close as we were. Just thinking about the fact that we don't have what we have, kills me. You said in your blog that "Maybe in the future this road we are going down will straighten itself out" . . . .and I want that to happen. I'm leaving it up to you, but I want you to know everything I just said. I still consider you my sister, I still consider you my best friend..and I always will no matter what happens. I don't even know if you will read this, but if you do, it was worth a shot. You can comment about it, click on the heart. Write your name in the subject box because you don't need to be a member. Lyladslmd Forever.. <33 ♥

Woody [12 Oct 2007|03:45pm] [ mood | sad ] It all started when I over heard my equine science teacher, Mary Maitland, talking to Danielle, another student, one of my good friends in class, about a Standardbred race horse that a guy she knew wanted to find a good home for...Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have easdropped..but I did, and I'm glad I did. I started talking to Ms. Maitland about it, and she gave me the name and number of the guy, Chip, who wanted to get him a good home. Name: Woody Registered Name: Woodbourne Age: 8 Sex: Male I went to see him that weekend, and when I walked into that barn, I fell in love with the horse at first site. Yeah, a lot of you might think it is pathetic to care so much about a horse, but it's just like anyone else caring for a dog, or a cat, or even a fish. I stayed at the barn with Woody for a good 2 hours while my mom talked to Chip about him. He had the most amazing personality you could ever ask for in a horse. I went to see him a couple more times after before I made the decision to take him. Of course, I wanted him. But, my teacher told me that she wanted him to come to BOCES for a month for a trail..just to see how he was. I was fine with that, I didn't have to pay board yet, sure why not. The day that Woody came off that trailer, is a day I will never forget. All he did for the first hour of being in that round pen, was buck and kick and run around. Not to mention, he has never had the time or the knowledge to know what it is like to be an actual horse. All he has known is to stand in the stall and wait to go race. He has never been in a pasture of grass for more than 10 minutes. It was my job, along with the help of my teacher, to turn him into a horse. It didn't take long. He had some habits that I had to correct, and I did. It started off perfect...After the month was over, I started to pay 165 dollars every month to BOCES to keep my horse there. I got my horse for nothing, but I wasn't training him for nothing.... Having Woody at BOCES was the best experience I've ever had during my Senior year..When he came home, he fit right in. He came home in April and 5 months later..Woody was gone. Woody had a kidney problem that he was taking medicine for, but, a lot of medicine have side effects..the biggest side effect of the medicine that Woody was on, was anorexia. When Woody went down, he went down quick. It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life to put my horse down. A lot of people think that their animals talk to them through their minds and through their actions..I have to say that I am one of those people and anybody you ask in my Senior BOCES class, will tell you that Woody and I had a special connection. The day that I decided to put Woody down...He looked at me that morning and just stared at me. He started kicking the barn and he started kicking at me, which he has never done before. He wouldn't eat or drink for almost 4 days, and my biggest worry was him dying due to the lack of nutrition. My mom called the vet that our friend Holly has...and she tried her best with Woody. Yes, she was very expensive, but she didn't lie to us and she was very upfront. She drew blood from Woody and when the results came back...Woody was in kidney and adrenal failure. My mom told me this on the phone on the way back from Norwich with Danielle. I was supposed to go into work that day, but I couldn't. Psychically and mentally I was not able to do anything but get to my horse. I made the decision the next morning at 10:00AM..to have Woody put down. My mom didn't think I would be able to stand there and watch the vet inject the stuff into Woody and make him go...But I did. I walked that last walk with Woody and I said my goodbyes to him once he was gone. The vet took his halter off him and handed it to me and gave me a hug..Danielle and Orry stayed by my side that whole time and they never walked away until it was time for me to be alone. I have never cried so bad over losing an animal, but Woody was my baby. I only got to spend a year with him, but it was the best year that I have ever had with an animal. There will never be another horse like Woody and I know a lot of people will agree with me on that..But he is in a better place now and he is not hurting one bit. R.I.P Woody. I love you more than anything. 1999 - 2007. <33 ♥

Dentist. [12 Oct 2007|09:03am] [ mood | cold ] So I don't know why, but the dentist REALLY freaks me out. They have since I have been really little and I still haven't figured it out. No matter what they do to me, they pretty much have to knock my ass out. I know it's REALLY pathetic..but I can't help it. Even when I went to get a CLEANING from my cousin, who is a dentist, I was scared...And she is my own cousin. How sad is that? Dentists are like the only thing I am deathly afraid of besides bees. I have to go to the dentist today at 10:15 instead of 4:00. They said if I wait until 4:00, then it will be too late and they will have to refer me to someone else. Why? I don't know. But all I know is that this swelling in my mouth is annoying, my throat doesn't hurt AS bad as it did, my tongue still hurts like a bitch, and I STILL can't eat anything other than soup. What the hell is this. =[ Someone bring me soup. <33 Update: I do not have an abscess tooth. But my wisdom tooth is coming in and it is coming in SIDEWAYS. Wtf? Sideways? Yeahhhh. So, instead of going to just get that one removed? I have to get all four of them pulled, just to make it easier. Yeyyyy for me...Not. =[ [ 1 ] ♥

Wow [11 Oct 2007|01:19pm] [ mood | sore ] It's been awhile since I have used this damn thing, and I have to say, it brings back a lot of memories..a lot of shit has been going on lately and I've been basically confused for the last 2 months. Me and Matty, broke up. Cheated on me, big surprise. Went to Buffalo this weekend and it was really fun..but I was ditched the whole day Sunday and I sat around doing nothing all day when I could have been hanging out, but no, that didn't happen. I hate being ignored. I hate it when one of my really good friends is a complete bitch and ignores me when other people are around. One of my co-workers noticed it yesterday and she knew exactly what was wrong with me. I don't know how because she doesn't really know the first thing about me...I guess I'm just readable sometimes. And not to mention, I have an abscess tooth and it is really bugging me at the moment. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow at 4:00...and I'm scared. Yes, I'm 18 years old and I am SCARED to DEATH of the dentist, shoot me. I've lost 2 best friends, people who meant everything to me, and they still do. I don't know if they know it or not but..maybe we'll talk sometime soon, hopefully? Blahhhhh. I guess that's all. OH, wait, I had a stupid moment last night..... I was sitting in Nicole's car and I ACCIDENTLY hit the format button on my camera....didn't know what was going to happen..YEAH, I lost ALL of my fucking pictures...amazing huh? I thought so. Not. Ps. The heart in the corner is for comments, just in case you were confused. ♥

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